


it's 2 am and I'm here on my own, but I really hate being alone

by dimensional_ghost



Category: Homestuck
Genre: How Do I Tag, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Pepsicola, i haven't even finished reading homestuck, some au I guess???, yea
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-23
Updated: 2018-02-23
Packaged: 2019-03-23 02:31:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13777800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dimensional_ghost/pseuds/dimensional_ghost
Summary: Dave writes down his thoughts and his feelings in a diary.





	it's 2 am and I'm here on my own, but I really hate being alone

**Author's Note:**

> the title is from a vocaloid song called Runaway, by Corasundae!

**ENTRY #1  
JANUARY 16**  
Hello, Dave here.  
What's this? Hell if I know. KK told me that keeping a diary or some stuff like that helped him not going insane when he was stuck on that meteor for three years straight.  
"I think you should too," he said. I know why he said that. I've been having a lot of nightmares about Bro, lately.

At first, he's alive. He's breathing, we're fighting on the roof like usual. Then, weird stuff happens. 

But every time's different. One time, he starts melting and turns into and ugly and horrible creature.

One time, he cuts his own head off and his headless corpse falls right on top of me. He's so heavy, I can't even breathe.

Then everything's black, and I can't breathe, and I start to lose consciousness, and there's someone in the distance. It's blurred, and far away, so I can never make out who it is. But maybe, I don't want to know. Sometimes, it's better not to know.

Uh, I wrote a lot, didn't I? I have nothing to do, so I thought why not. I'll try to update this whenever I can, but I don't know if I'll remember to.

John's worried. He knocks on my door every now and then, to check if I'm still alive. I don't blame him, I've been locking myself in my room since the game ended.  
I don't know how John can still manage to keep a smile on his face, after all that's happened. But I'm glad he does. Thank you, John.

Oh, dinner's ready. As I said before, I'll try to update this as much as possible. 

"See" you next time, I guess.

 

**ENTRY #2  
FEBRUARY 2**  
I've been trying to keep my cool, but it isn't working. Sometimes, I just want to end it all. Fuck.

Bro, why did you have to leave?

 

**ENTRY #3  
FEBRUARY 16**  
Get a hold of yourself, Dave.

 

**ENTRY #4  
FEBRUARY 22**  
Why isn't John smiling?

 

**ENTRY #5  
MARCH 4**  
He thinks I don't notice his wet cheeks. Every time he locks himself up in his room, sobbing himself to sleep, he thinks I don't hear his cries.  
John, why? You know I care for you, why are you hiding so much pain from me? Don't you trust me?

 

Please smile again. I can't bear seeing your tear-streaked face everytime you come out of your room.

 

**ENTRY #6  
MARCH 20**  
I've been trying to cheer him up by cracking jokes and pulling pranks on him (he loves that, right?), but he just won't react.  
All he ever does lately is bake and read that old book his dad gave him for his 13th birthday (it seems like ages ago, but it was just five years ago when he told me about the game).  
God, I think I'm losing him. Losing his dad has really taken a toll on him.  
I try not to show it, but I'm worried.  
A few days ago, I asked him how was he feeling.  
 _"Numb"_ , he just mumbled, returning to his room.  
I'm worried- what if he loses it? What if I'll never see his smile again? I don't want to, I love his smile. I love his carefree smile (sometimes it's so contagious, I can't help but smile along too), his hugs, his cheerfulness, I love him. I love him.

Please, John...Talk to me.

 

**ENTRY #7  
APRIL 14**  
Petrified. That's the only way I can describe what I felt when I saw him having a breakdown while he was baking, yesterday. It was no surprise- it was his birthday, after all. He used to spend the day with his dad, having fun and pulling pranks on his friends.  
Right when he fell to his knees, I held him in my trembling arms. He was shaking so much, clinging to me, sobbing and screaming. It was the first time I'd seen him in this state. (Just how much had he suffered, all alone?)

I tried to stay strong, but I think I felt a tear or two slip out of the corners of my eyes, wetting my cheeks.  
(Why did this happen to him, of all people? Wasn't my Bro enough?)  
No, I can't. I can't. John needs me. I have to be there for him, even if all he wants is to be left alone. I won't leave him, tho. Even if he ends up hating me, then so be it. But John, I swear I'll make you smile again.  
I love you.

 

**ENTRY #8**  
APRIL 20  
Last night, I asked him if he could come to my room. We sat on my bed, silent. He was staring at the ground, I was trying to find the right words. (How do you even talk about something like this? "Hey John! You worried me last night, I thought you were gonna die or something. lol")  
 _"Dave,"_ he said quietly, _"I can't do this. I want to be happy with you and smile again, but I just...can't. I-I'm sorry..."_  
And then, he started crying.

I've never been the best at comforting people, so at first it was kind of awkward. But I still hugged him, rubbed circles on his back, whispered comforting words to let him know that he could rely on me.

_"It'll be alright",_  
"I'm here",  
"You can talk to me",  
"I love you." 

Eventually, it worked.  
I brushed his cheek, and that's when I saw it.  
His eyes were closed, but a small smile ghosted on his lips.  
I was so happy, I had to resist crying in front of him.  
Instead I just mumbled his name, hugging him tighter.

 

**ENTRY #9**  
JULY 12  
Uhm...Hey! John here! ^^  
I was cleaning up your room, and I found this under a pile of clothes...Hehe, sorry Dave. I know you don't like it when someone touches your stuff.  
Anyway, I just wanted to write something in here!  
How should I put this...When the game ended, I was feeling sad, and lost, and empty...I really missed my dad, and my friends too.  
I tried to stay happy and smile (you'd lost your brother, I had no right to feel depressed- you had it worse.), but my façade crumbled so easily after only a few weeks.  
"How can you be happy when you know you'll never see the people you most cared about again?", I kept thinking over and over.  
That day, on my birthday...I'm so sorry you had to see that, haha. (I probably scared you, didn't I?)  
I don't know what came to me, but I'm...glad you were there, holding me while I cried my eyes out like a crybaby.  
And then...I just felt the need to talk to someone about it (y'know, to let it all out?), I guess. I'm so happy that that someone was you.  
You've really helped me over the past few months. I'm smiling again. I'm happy again.

Thank you, Dave.

I love you too <3


End file.
